I'm surprised that Halloween has survived in the age of nutrition. Parents who scream at non-diet sodas being allowed in schools turn a blind eye to the kids dressing up for a night of unbridled, instant diabetes. For once, I took a stand against the Nestles and Hersheys. I wasn't about to let their profits soar at the expense of our local O.C. youths' health. Since I live in a small, mostly adult, complex, I realized there would be few trick or treaters coming to my door. I decided to give each child a single cigarette. Initially, I gave them a choice of Marlboro or Newport, until the Newports quickly ran out.
I know what you're thinking...horrible corrupter of our children! Not so. Follow me on this. What started me smoking in my late teens wasn't a single cigarette, but the repetition of smoking many times in one fell swoop. Truth be known, my first cigarette actually made me nauseous. If only some kind stranger had put a single cigarette in my pumpkin when I was eight, I wouldn't have built up the tolerance necessary to continue the habit. Not to mention I would still have most of my own teeth, and not need a designated runner in softball.
Unfortunately, I ran out of cigarettes with about an hour to go. I was lucky that the few remaining kids who came by were very young, and therefore, easily fooled. I would open the door with a wide, albeit gap-toothed grin (see paragraph above), and put what appeared to be a fist of candy deep into their little bags. As they watched my hand, my magician's training paid off. In one motion I would act as if I were throwing candy into a bag, and give a gentle kick of the bag from underneath, to simulate the force of my wonderful candy hitting their piles. The diversion worked like a charm. Each child gave me a polite "thank you" and sauntered off to the next residence.
I also did not have a mountain of extra candy left over the next day. However, I did have to make a one a.m. cigarette run. God, I hate Halloween!
BTW: If you haven't seen the new ABC comedy "Modern Family", treat yourself. It's different, edgy, and a welcome to see Ed O'Neill (Married With Children) back on TV. I really believe it's the best new comedy on TV.
